Denise and the Low Sun

I want to feel light again.

Something cottony

like a cloud.

Something sweet

but mildly

like icing sugar.

I don't get that feeling anymore.

I don't know her name

or how to reach her.

I remember her though—

a specific sunlight.

A glare of pink, orange, purple, and blue.

Running to catch the bus.

Blades of grass growing though

the scalloped gaps in a brick pavement.

Laughter even though I am late. And it was my fault.

The smell of vinyl from our school-issued book bags.

Someone who loves me.

It was dizzying.

Diffused like a dream.

A mist in my reality

I tried not to break.

And maybe that's

"just life".

Losing things permanently.

The inability to archive.

Windows from a shard of sunlight.

Maybe that's just life.

I am afraid to be known.

I’m so tired of things telling me to be things.

Signs telling me to follow signs.

I wonder why

they do so so easily.

I wonder why I can't.

I wonder why it scrapes at my brain to hear

a cacophony of normal voices.

I wonder why they don't drown out

the non-normal one.

I think sometimes it hurts to live.

I think sometimes it hurts everyone to live.

I think sometimes I'm lonely because there's too many

people

I can't unleash the tides upon.

I think sometimes I'm lonely because

I can't let myself go.

Pride myself to not care,

but in the end I care enough not to go

berserk.

And scare them.

I have an ugly thing and I don't want to scare them.

Yet I know they will understand.

They will smooth its ugly hair

and kiss its ugly head

and soothe its ugly tears

and listen to its ugly voice.

I think it scares me

to be

completely

figured out.

You Exist

Hello,

from a leap of ten.

I say your name

I look you square

I tell you now

keep still

I am here

Instead.

I will restore you.

Your innocence

is not lost on me.

I am not ashamed

of you.

I hold you

like a treasure

like an orange leaf

with no tears.

I hold you like a child

lost.

I will cease your tears

I know them well.

I will

make you whole

for once.

I,

King of not feeling so good.

apologise.

But you exist

and now I.

Keep faith

I will make you whole

for once.